Mother’s Day

It’s Mother’s Day today.

If it were 2018, I’d text you to tell you that I love you

or I’d post a picture of us and write a long paragraph

about how much I admire you.

But it’s the middle of 2021 now,

and things have changed so much since 2018.

I used to adore you,

idolize you,

worship the goddamn ground you walked on.

I thought of you as a mother when my biological one

wasn’t listening to me (which was often then),

because you actually did.

You listened to me,

and you told me repeatedly that you were proud of me,

and you always said that you loved me.

I adored everything that you were,

I defended you hundreds of times,

I stood by you during every single thing our group went through —

but then you ripped the rug right out from under me.

I told you something that I trusted you with,

about something traumatic that had happened to me as a child,

and you just made me feel so fucking stupid.

You told me, an anxiety-ridden 17yo with a shit ton of trauma,

that I shouldn’t have been afraid of a boy my age who was much bigger than me,

and touchier than me,

and constantly made me uncomfortable & scared.

You yelled at me, gave me a panic attack, then expected me to be fine after.

You never apologized, either.

It’s been two years and I still feel how fucking terrified I was of you.

That was just the beginning of the bullshit you put me through.

I’m still extremely angry with you for ruining a lot of things for me,

such as my entire senior year of high school [in show choir],

and I have every right to be.

You took everything from me.

However, I don’t wish you the worst,

but I don’t wish you the best either.

I just wish that you’d finally grow the hell up,

instead of stomping your feet whenever we didn’t get a formation right,

or crying on the ground when we fucked up a choreography move,

or screaming at us when our crescendo wasn’t dramatic enough,

or letting complete strangers ridicule us and tell us that we’re worthless

while we’re working our fucking asses off for you to be barely praised

by your stupid misogynistic, wife-beating, racist, transphobic boss.

For your sake,

I wish you’ll grow up.